Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
