I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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