I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
