my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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