MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
