We got so high we made milksteak
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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