Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
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I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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