you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
