google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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