every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
