she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
There r osticjed everywhere
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
