She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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