it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
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