Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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