No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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