You're completely useless in the revolution.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
