Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
