My Higher Power is John Stamos
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
