What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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