Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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