gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
