I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
