I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
