it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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