Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
