Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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