If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
