i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
