It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
