You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
