Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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