Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
