we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
