I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
