I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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