areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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