she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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