about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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