Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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