I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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