i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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