yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
