____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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