Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
