a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
