So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
