I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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