Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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