Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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