Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
