I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
