does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
