God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
